Jay wrote me a letter last night... we had a wonderful time hanging out and it seemed to quiet my pained heart. We never talk about these things- mostly because we spent so many years so close and then destroyed each other's lives and hopes with angry words and hateful actions. Timing could not have been any worse. It's like this: I have this ache in my soul that won't go away. He told me yesterday that I probably could not be happy without having a boyfriend- I honestly really never have been able to focus completely on other things until I have been in a relationship. Him saying that to me really dug deep, but at the moment, I am 'in-waiting'. I have been waiting for so long for God to bring someone into my life. I have gone to bars only to find that I loathe the smoke and idle conversation. I have looked at church- only to find a bunch of guys who I would bow over and not respect due to their timid natures- and the one guy that does stand up to me, but in a sloppy way that angers me to no end. I figured the other day that the reason I hold so much hostility towards him (this Christian guy) is because I feel that he's the only one that I will ever meet that has a head on his shoulders. He's not nice with Muffin and very harsh with words... and I need someone that will hold me, comfort me, love me passionately- I know this guy could not do this in the way that I so very deeply need. I feel like (and I know this is not true) he is the one that God has put in my path to be with and I am angry because he is not what I am looking for- therefore I take it out on him because I don't know how to talk with God right now about such things.
Here's Jay's letter:

let me preface this with the fact that my love for you will never change.

do you ever think that we are supposed to be together?

i know that there are problems with that but i am willing to try. if not well i guess that I will settle for someone else (i hate to settle for anything) this is just a last chance even though weve been through this but i honestly cant think of how i could ever care for someone the way i care for you. and it seems unfair to be with someone else that i coulndt love as much as you (to them) I dont know where im going with this but if there is an out and i need it i cant be one of these guys that pine over a girl, im not that guy and lord knows youve got plenty of them. All i know is that if i lost my soul mate over something that we agree on in diffrent ways, when it all comes to an end and im judged the turning point is gonna be WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY HARDER WITH THE ONE THING THAT COUNTED? and you know what I am sure of. God whants me to be with someone that challenges me to find the right answers, not someone to tell the answer too, because i havent got it. well i love you and i might not be perfect but this email is.

No- he's not perfect, but he is perfect in his knowledge of me and vice versa. He has been a person of my greatest emotions- both anger and happiness. He has been there for me for ages and we have stayed friends without anything physical (at ALL) for four years. We have a hold on eachother that I know I don't have the power to break. I see him as my Bunny: he takes SUCH good care of me when I hurt. He listens so well. He plays with my hair when I am sad- tells me to stop making a big deal of things when he thinks I can be strong- and lets me put my head on his shoulder and hug me when I can't be strong. I love him so much and yet he doesn't love God.
Now I have to choose.
There's someone else and it's so hard because I have to figure out if God is more important to me than Jay. I have to choose. He will never turn to God- he will never change his views- he will always be Jay. (I am so thankful that he has been so strong all these years to stay as himself- he has the strongest will I have ever seen- he is still 100% Jay even though I have morphed into so many diffferent hidden people over the past 8-9 years that we have been best friends!!)
What am I going to do?
I do love him.
He doesn't love God.
I have to trust God with all of my being NOT to do this and be with Jay-- it will take everything that is in me not to. Everything.

I am trusting you, God. I need help- I hurt and really find it hard to trust that you are going to put someone in my life that I can love deeply, respect, honor, devote my full life to- who loves you. I have been waiting for so long and it seems like I don't have any time left to choose about Jay- and I know that you would want me to choose someone who loves YOU: who respects, prays, honors, worships YOU. What can I do? Lord, I know that I am asking a lot- and I know that nothing is too big for you: but I pray that between today and tomorrow I can meet the person that you have for me-- I am too weak, Lord, to wait any longer, I feel. You know me better- but Lord: my soul is hurting and so weary. I don't want to see Jay with another girl- I don't think I could quite handle that; at all. I pains me to think this. And I need hope. Mine is kinda gone and I don't think that I can withstand this-- you know I would make it work with Jay if I could- I would because we work through everything and I TRUST him. I trust him to be trustworthy with those things that effect me the most- things that I don't trust anyone else with: my emotions, my weaknesses, etc. and change. He doesn't change. That is both a genuine crown, and my biggest down-fall with him.
God: I believe; Help me in my unbelief.