Finally my heart breaks...

Finally my heart breaks. I desperate release from the pent up feelings that have been welling up in my soul. There is so much pain and so much honesty that has not been let out. The dam has been broken. Lord, help me to figure these things out- please. I see this character of who I desperately need to be—so far from who I am right now. I long for my joy to come back to me. I ache with the habits that I have formed of keeping people at bay. I am so stiff and rigid. I feel that my fun and happy self went away and when I see this character played out I hunger to be myself and let go. I so long to be what my parents have raised me to be- a woman of honor… not of deceit and evil actions. I see in my mind what I respect and what I love. I am in the right place but I am leading myself down a path that is dark and lonely. I long to be free of this burden of being someone else. I want to be seen for who I really am- not what I feel like being and that is terrifying. I can’t seem to let go- even to write. I worry that I will write something down and God will hear it and give me what I ask for--- but it will be in a horrible way. I worry that people will not like me and reject me. I worry that all that I love will leave me. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of things changing. I am afraid that I am capable of making terrible decisions that will trap me without a way out. I am afraid of being left behind. I am afraid of not being cared about or able to be loved- true love. I am afraid of not being able to express myself and know what I am feeling. I keep people so far away from my heart and I don’t know why. I won’t let anyone in because I am afraid that they will get bored of me or find out that I am dull or unlovable. So I pretend to be someone that I am not- I am so nice to people because I don’t want them to hurt or feel rejected but I still lose. I don’t want them to hate me either.
I long to be me. I long to be able to know what I feel and what I need. I am desperate to be able to speak and have purpose. I long to have a loosed tongue and say and do what I know is Right and Good and Real. I want Integrity back. I want my innocence back. I want every terrible thing that has come out of my mouth to be forgotten and every good thing to come to mind so that I may become stronger and sharper. I want to be good. I want to be honest. I want to be real. I want to stay strong and have self-control so that my heart will want to do right as well as my actions showing that desire. I long for purity.
I am nervous to even say these words, Lord- because I don’t want you to ‘show me’ that you can do these things in my life because even though I know they are good things to ask for, I am afraid how you will give them to me. The words are out of my mouth, Lord and I am struggling to trust you with them. You are the Creator of all things and I know that you love me, but I have such a hard time understanding you or trusting your ways. Your ways are not my ways- I don’t know that whole picture that I am a puzzle and I am having a hard time focusing or comprehending what to do. I am on my own and yet I feel like I should still have a curfew. I am afraid to act- to move almost. Why can’t I speak? Why can’t I argue or have a still confidence in myself? Why do I have to walk around so wounded when you have given me so much? I long for perfection and correctness in life and yet I am a mess. I cannot be what everyone expects me to be—meaning that I have created a version of myself for different people in different places. I have built this version of myself to get me where I think I need to go and have left my true self somewhere. Knowing that I wouldn’t lose my gained wisdom if I was to go back to who I truly am- who You made me to be--- what would that look like? I have learned how to act in different situations but it still lands me in the place of not being myself and doubting who I am so I ‘act’. Exactly.
I am afraid of the word love. I never heard it from my parents until I was a full adult. It aches to say it back. I am afraid that I don’t know what that is. I know selfish love. I have soaked in it my whole ‘dating-life’. Always for a purpose or for a gain: never because I had Fallen in love. Adam was very different… but to mention him hurts deeply. I didn’t know what I had when I had him—I didn’t realize that it was pure and true. I don’t understand what happens when people fall in love. Is it a feeling or is it because you are attracted to them? Both can fade. So what makes it last with some couples for a life time- and then they live side by side in a nursing home? I fear that I will never have what it takes to keep the attention of anyone and so I go from one to another without blinking an eye. I have my ‘circuit’, as Tammy would say—‘because (I) am unsure of myself, my decisions and on my gut feelings about a person’s character. (I) don’t want to be right that they are of poor character so (I) have more than one guy around at all times so that I don’t have to bank everything on one and be let down’. I am just afraid and that’s the bottom line.
I need and want to let go. I want to let my old self fade quickly away—the deceit, the false identity, the lies, the selfishness, the bad habits that I have grown into a garden of thorns. I want to let out the real ‘me’ and not hide behind fear of what people will think of me. I want to find a man who will teach me to trust and who is of beautiful integrity and honesty- and I want to find out what love is and live my every day thankful for him. I don’t want to lose him or scare him away. I want to be rock solid on my decision and know that he is the one. I want to go overseas and help people in anyway I can. I want to go on a Mercy Ship with my love and serve and die many, many years from now with a full life lived- and die in a way that is fitting for one of Your children. I pray we die on the same day and never have to be without one another- and I pray that we will be strong and You will guide and provide for us everyday that we live. I pray for that quiet intimacy with him and with You that my heart cries out for in every move that I make. I pray for multitudes of blessings on my brothers and my parents and for their safety and knowledge of what to do. I pray for healing and for a wave of peace to come over me again- not from a tragic event, I pray- but one from you to me. I pray that you keep me safe and that your magnificent wings cover over me and shield me from danger. You will do what you will do, Lord, and I know that. I ask these things from what I think I need and want. You are the true decider of what I do and what will happen. I pray that you never forget our beach in Ireland or every tear that falls from these eyes. I pray that you remember that I am dust and very weak without your voice that holds my together. I pray that you never let me be without hope- for without that I am broken. I pray that you allow me to be me and love me for what you’ve created- I ask this because I fear that I have tainted your creation and have made it something bad. Please give me more chances, Lord: for I am struggling with so many thoughts and fears. I am your servant who is not fit to be in your sight and mind. And yet you never leave me.