The week...

We had another group event yesterday, and I think it went well-- we went to the Edgewood Center: the group consisted of Kathy, Eric, Liz and Rich Dipippo, Erin, Jacob and myself. Liz and Rich brought their cats... one bit Liz when she was taking him out for the residents to hold, and so she put him in time out for the remainder of the trip. The other one, Fiona (a boy kitten) was perfect... I remember how much they loved him: they petted him and kissed him... one of the residents told me that she had to give up her cat that used to sleep on her head every night when she was put into the center. So sad...... one of the men who held the cat was so excited: he really hugged him close... I think the man really and truely missed being close to someone and needed to hold that cat- who purred as he sat on the man's chest. Speaking with some of the other residents really broke my heart, too... Helen, one of the ladies that I spoke with was waiting for her daughter to visit her-- she kept looking through her purse to file through the letters and cards she had received. She looked and seemed so lost and alone... I think she was mentally all there, but really needed to hold onto the hope that someone was going to visit her. She wanted to give me things like her watch and candy-- i can't explain exactly how sick it made me feel to think that she wanted to give me something of her's because I was just doing something as simple as talking with her. I understand that some adults put their parents in a place like this because they don't want the 'hassle' and responsibility of the detailed care involved with an elderly family member, but this place was so dark even though there were huge, beautiful bay windows where chairs were placed so that residents could look outside.. not that they will ever get to leave and go outside. I guess I saw it as a place for them to go and die... and they know it. The caretakers seemed really sweet and generous with their time, but they are paid. It is such a scary thing to think about: growing old. I think I got more out of visiting these people than they did having us visit and hang out with them.

Today was a very selfish day for me- I was completely wrapped up in my own thoughts and own world where everything and everybody was part of my personal-life-movie. Jay was there for me as always... he truely is my best friend. I can't believe that I am going on seven years knowing him.. the only time I've been apart from him in these seven years was when I went to Taylor and Ireland. Besides that, he has been my closest friend (and ex) and official knows me better than any human being alive. What a beautiful thing! I respect him not only because he stands up for who he is and for what he is. He has a backbone and has taught me fathoms about life and relationships. We have been through more than most people who have been married for ten years undoubtedly! We have worked through so many things... drinking problems, his mother, his mother trying to commit suicide, our own personal flaws that lashed out against the other, our fights and brawls, and our younger youth, essentially. I look at all the other guys that I have dated in my life... goodness. There are so many mistakes there! Not one of them matches to his personality and strength- not one! I look at other guys- for example, Tony, Josh, Derek, Eddie, and this list goes on from this past year.. yikes... and none of them- and I mean NONE of them have the possiblity to amazing me, listen to me (and likewise), give the same advice, know me and my family dynamics, care about the small things and honestly give up his own time and breath to listen to me rant and rave about something that happened-- he is so selfless with me at times- and then other times he is perfectly selfish which is so perfect and fitting; we've never given up on our friendship- we've never had a fight where we don't forgive and forget... it just keeps going. Not one of them is like him! I'm his bunny and he's my sweetheart. Period. Is it possible to find someone like him who loves the Lord? I can't imagine marrying Jay because I know exactly what would happen, and so does he, but I love him dearly and need him in my life. He is my strength at times and my frustration at other times.... it's so weird to me that I've never really written about him in any of my journals... he's always just been a part of it. Whoa-- there is no way that I love him in the way that I could allow myself to be in a real relationship with him as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my love is much deeper and more engraved than that- and physical hasn't entered back into the picture for four years. That's four years of commitment to a friendship... but I am sad to think that we will both marry different people.. she better be amazing.. but not as cool as he thinks i am at any rate. :)