Update

So, things have been going. The last event that we had for the group was a bonfire in Fremont at Mike and Denise's house. The turn out was wonderful!!! Mike (a different Mike) spoke and gave his testimony. He was nervous but did a good job. I felt that this fellowship was the most beautiful gift in the world- to all be together which we all will forever and ever... there was so much beauty in the conversation of just being there it was almost physically thick. God is Good!
So I went out last weekend. Ick. I went out with Tammy and girl that came to the spa- Naomi.. who turned out to be a stripper who wanted girl friends to hang out with. Yikes- I don't that that is a good idea: not what I need right now. I met a guy from Rye named Tim that I talked with for about three hours in my car. He asked to kiss me and I told him no. I felt so wonderful afterwards- I said something for myself and only thought about my direction. I felt so much lighter and better. I still do. He hasn't called me which is wonderful. I feel like it was a huge stepping stone for me to be removed from all the garbage-like habits that I have formed over the years (even though it is just once- just the first step.) I feel like I am growing. Not in the sense of growing up, mind you- but growing cleaner and better. Like a car that changes to pure, clean petroleum instead of Getty's watered-down, dirty, muddied version. The performace is better with pure fuel. It is faster and more directed.. no putting, stalling, or back firing.
I am still, however, aching to find the person that I will marry. I am waiting ever so anxiously for him to show up.. to sweep me off my feet.. to complete me with opposite strengths and weaknesses... to be the object of my deep emotions and affections... to dance with me and love me passionately... It sounds so silly to write it down! Is he a missionary in Africa and is busy saving lives for Christ? Is he a warrior for his loved ones and too caught up with them to come out and find me where I am? I am so tired of looking and searching for him.. I've looked everywhere! I have put out so much effort to find this guy that is perfectly wired for me and me for him.... is that possible? Or am I going to die early and never marry? If so, I guess it would be better to guess than to know, but I am so hungry to find out. There are so many people who tell me that it's not all it's cracked up to be... marraige and such, but I don't agree. It depends on the people in that bond that make it what it is. Just marrying for the sake of taxes or convienience, for example, would end up a disaster. I can't wait to pour out my life into his-- to share and be known; to know and love deeply: I have these strong desires, so why do I doubt that God will fulfill them in my life? He is doing to much in my life right now.. I don't think that doubting is even logical. I will wait for the ultimate match-maker and stop worrying the best that I can. Thank You for looking out for me!!

Do we see Angels?

I took a walk today. The weather was perfect... all the trees seemed to be filled with yellow and it was warm out. I was on my way back home and noticed that I was listening to a hidden track on the CD that I always listen to when I walk or run. It was an hour long track by Gabriel and Dresden... I love them! (Very talented musicians... they have thier own sound.) So, as I was walking, a big, black truck went past- it was a Dodge Truck with a yellow and orange decal "Hemi" over the back wheels. It was going kind of fast so I didn't really pay any attention except to look down and not directly at the person driving just for my safety. I walked past a beautiful pond on my road and was thinking about the name Gabriel. It would be my dream (silly and childish as it may seem) to meet an angel... to get right to the point-- have you seen City of Angels, the movie? That idea. So beautiful and perfect. So- with that thought in mind, I was walking past a large line of trees that hid an entrance to a nature conservatory for those driving past... there was a little pink "egg" car just sitting there. I assumed that it was a mail man sorting his mail in an out of way place. I walked past. This black truck drove towards me this time and stopped right next to me. I must say- I was a bit hesitant, but he opened his window and leaned over. "There's a suspicious car sitting over there. Be careful." He was a big guy with flannel and a very protective eye. I looked over the hood of his car to the small car sitting a little ways back. I thanked him twice and he didn't respond- I don't think he really wanted gratitude... he seemed as if he just had the intention of warning and that was all. He turned around near the guy and took off loudly on the other side of the road-- he hovered over the steering wheel and glaring back through his rearview mirror at this little car. He didn't look back at me which indicated to me that he was not looking to meet a young girl walking, but rather honest in his intent to scare this guy into realizing that I was being protected by a passer by and that he needed to go. Now. The little car turned around just where it was and took off in the other direction almost immediantly.

Was I in danger? I think so. How much danger I will never know, but the situation was so strange and seemed out of place in this town-- so very much so that I would never even really think that other people driving around would see this little pink 'egg' car as a threat. Why would this guy be looking out for me? It was very cool. I thought later as I was walking the rest of the way home- I wonder if I should have asked who he was, but that would take away from the action of protection and take my attention off from the fact that I am cared for deeply by my Father and I am looked out for. Thank you!!!!!!

C.S. Lewis' Letter to a little girl...

C.S. Lewis wrote the following letter in response to a letter from a little girl in 1958... It struck me quite hard and I want to preserve it on my blog just in case I lose the book:
"Dear Mary,
Thank you for you letter of the 26th. I am very sorry to hear about the earache. It is a horrid thing, much worse than a toothache. We all go through periods of dryness in our prayers, don't we? I doubt (but ask your directeur) whether they are necessarily a bad symptom. I sometimes suspect that what we feel to be our best prayers are really our worst; that what we are enjoying is the satisfaction of apparent success, as in exectuting a dance or reciting a poem. Do our prayers sometimes go wrong because we insist on trying to talk to God when He wants to talk to us. Joy (Lewis' wife) tells me that once, years ago, she was haunted one morning by a feeling that God wanted something of her, a persistent pressure like the nag of a neglected duty. And till mid-morning she kept on wondering what it was. But the moment she stopped worrying, the answer came through as plain as a spoken voice. It was "I don't want you to do anything. I want to give you something"; and immediately her heart was full of peace and delight. St. Augustine says, "God give where He finds empty hands." A man whose hands are full of parcels can't receive a gift. Perhaps these parcels are not always sins or earthly cares, but sometimes our own fussy attempts to worship Him in our way. Incidentally, what most often interrupts my own prayers is not great distractions but tiny ones-- things one will have to do or avoid in the course of the next hour.
We are all well, but tired of the refusal of spring to arrive I've never known a colder, wetter, darker March. This is pretty early in the morning and Joy is still asleep; otherwise she would join me in our love to you.
Yours,
Jack

This Week

There really isn't a whole lot to report. School and work keep me fully busy, and school is almost finished!! I went into work yesterday and did two makeup applications without punching in... I want to practice! I did one of the massage therapists- Lois-- her personality type is the kind that I want to take special care of: she's never really worn makeup and has gotten out of a bad marraige with only a little girl of 12 years to show for it. She is an INCREDIBLE massage therapist and will go very far where at our work. I really, really hope that even a little bit of makeup can make her feel more confident- that is my goal.
Mission Impossible (ultimate capture the flag) was last night.. there was over 40 of us adults that manned the flags with flour bombs.. we went from 8pm until about 10:30... so much fun!!! I brought Tammy and her boyfriend, David. I don't trust either one of them at the moment. She lies about everything and I guess it has taken me to see it in action repeatedly in a 24 hour span to really get annoyed. I'm all set. She has one goal in mind- finding a guy to take care of her- that she leaves people who are really there for her as a person-in the dust. All set. I adore her enthusiasm as it allows me to be myself and be loud as well, but honestly, I am not looking for people who will just be fun in a bar setting... I want REAL PEOPLE who are willing to be REAL friends in my life... Thank you God for changing my heart and keeping me out of places that I fear I will want to go- bars and the like-by keeping my mind clear and directed towards a goal and not back towards the past and past habits.
Today we are going on a hike to a mountain about an hour away... I know that Zack and myself are going... that's about it. (lol!) There's a talk of rain showers throughout the day, but we'll see!

Interesting blogg...

http://genesisjournal.blogspot.com/

Beautiful Day

Today was a beautiful day... so perfect. Church was great and I got to sit with Erin... (hehehe: and Zack was late this time... he gave me 50 cents.) The group went to Wagon Hill today and we had a picnic by the water.. for the afternoon-- the weather was absolutely perfect. We passed around a couple of frisbees/soccer balls/footballs/etc. The turn out: Mike&Denise/Liz & Rich/Dylan & Lizanne/Zack, Erin, Danielle, Brandon and myself!! It was wonderful!! So much fun!! Eric and Kathy weren't there which is understandable-- they need time to themselves as well... and a bunch of us are going to do our ritual of video games tonight over there, any how. I need to go make a cake for Zack- it was his 25th yesterday :) He didn't tell anyone.. lol.
So, my conversation with Mom and Dad during dinner was really shocking. Dad was having doubts about what he's accomplished in life. He went to his high school reunion last month when he and Mom went to Indiana for MMAP... and it brought him back and I think made him hyper-retrospective. I really want to hug him- yah know: he's raised us three kids with structure and rules that really have made us who we are-- I think he's the most sucessful Dad I know. He hurts, also in the area of not having a close friend. He really was down-trodden yesterday when he told me this... it's so strange to see a man whom I have known to have all the answers for my whole 24 years- to have doubts about who he is and to so strongly desire friendships.. (I pray, God- that you can be with him during this sad point in his life. I pray that you bring people from far and wide to be there for him and to allow him to feel really beautiful friendships... he is such a faithful man and it broke my heart into little pieces to see him go without this wonderful aspect of life. He's had a rough childhood (who hasn't?) and I pray that he can be hooked up with a bunch of men that accept him for who he is and love him for that-- and to be there for him to go hang out with and watch football games with... I pray also for Mom that she would have her need met-- I pray for people to care for her and show her how valuable and fun she is-- I pray that she has the chance to really shine.
So life goes on. At this second in time.. .all is calm. Tammy and I hung out last night.. yikes. I need to continue to stay away from drinking.. I abstained for so long.. last night was a full-on-face-in-the-mud type of night. I need to dust myself off and continue my life-- knowing that there will be victory in my life-- God is bigger than this problem. Period.

Tammy rung me this morning and we were chatting about her... her father was shot and she strongly desires a father-- someone to hold her and let her know that everything will be okay. She told me all this in her own words... she hurts deeply and crys out in so many ways that she is in pain. I told her about God-Hugs: like when I cried in despairation (months ago) and needed to hear from Him.. and a fully black sky-- one that was just so overcast- it almost looked like it was night time... and a rainbow appeared right in front of my car up ahead... so full and the colors were so vibrant. Her heavenly Father loves her like she needs-- I know He wants to hold me in his lap and hug me when I cry.. He loves that I talk with Him and He cares about EVERY little detail of my life. I want her to know that He loves her like this, too.
"I believe Lord- Help me in my unbelief."

Ouch.. and then again, Well said!

A letter from a friend, Zack, who is working with me as a leader for the ministry at church...

Heya Laura,

Here's a long one for ya.

When I write emails, it's usually with a confident, almost smarmy voice, laden with sarcasm, humorously empty threats, and sometimes a bit of wit. It's the way I like my writing to sound. The upside is that people enjoy the emails. The downside is that most emails I write take far too long to craft, and when I don't take that time, people may think something's wrong when it isn't. If you thought I was angry, disillusioned, disgusted, disappointed, mad, sad, etc., about this, or that I was questioning your dedication, rest assured that I was not. Complaining is like a hobby for me, and when I am unhappy, you will surely know it.

Or think of it this way - at my happiest, I sound a little antagonistic and put off. Just imagine how ripped I would sound if something was actually wrong.

In other, more concise words, my emails weren't "off" because I was frustrated with you or anything like that. My emails were off because I was in a bit off a rush and I've known you long enough to not subconsciously try to impress you with my mastery of the English language. I'm sorry if it came off that way.

That being said, we do have a failure to communicate. I think this is why:

As for me, I am a person who mutters, who mumbles, who words things awkwardly in attempts to be clever, and who assumes that everyone who has heard my muttering and mumbling knows what I'm talking about. And I plan things out.

And as for you, I think you don't always hear or understand my vague mumblings, but rather than ask me to clarify, you're prone to nodding and assuming it will all work out. And you're fine with that "nick of time" mindset. I know you're not flighty or in the clouds really. Just accommodating and willing to go with the flow.

Regardless, I have noticed this failure to communicate before. Like when I was left hanging with the Youth Room mis-schedule. I have tried to compensate for this by really being sure I'm saying everything to you clearly, but it's not really working because my definition of "clearly" is breaking something down into a million steps and repeating something over and over until I sound like a nag. You may think a nagging, chronic planner describes me well. Most people who know me would be surprised at the description. Its my own overcompensation for this situation. And I for one would like to stop it. I'm sure you would like to see it stop.

So I've been thinking about how this problem can be solved, and about how I can relax and not feel like I need to tell you everything three times. And on my part, I still need to communicate more clearly, and be more sensitive to your schedule so that I know I'm not asking too much of you, and I'll work on that. Now for your part.

Stop nodding.

Ok, that probably won't do it. But what I mean is this: (and be warned, there's a fantastic chance that the following paragraph will really offend you. I'm sorry if it does.)

I think you tend to erect this smiling, happy persona to show people. It's the "flighty, in the clouds" person that people see, and some part of you may like it that way. I don't know if it's something you do to hide your true feelings, a mask you wear to make people like you, or if you just want to avoid conflict, or if it's an honest attempt to make your attitude good and your feelings follow it. I suspect it's probably somewhere in between. Either way, it drives me nuts. NOT because I don't like your personality, or because I think its annoying, or anything like that. Please don't get me wrong - I do think you are one of the sweetest, most caring people I know and I really appreciate that about you. But it's frustrating because you hardly ever drop the mask. Almost never. The only time I've ever seen the non-Elmo side of you was the day of the pig-roast, when we went to Quizznos and talked about past relationships. Or during those really brief respites when you mention your problems with dirt or germs.

It frustrates me because I don't know when I've offended you. I don't really know when you disagree with me. I don't know when I'm asking too much of you, or not making sense to you, or frustrating the heck out of you. (Ok, sometimes even I can see that I'm frustrating the heck out of you. But I usually don't know why.) I am too darn dense and insensitive to pick up on these things well. You don't have to always smile and nod at me; I am already impressed by how genuinely nice you are, and I am already your friend. You can, and should, tell me when I'm being a jerk.

So for example, two weeks ago I asked you to get me the details for 5 events by September 30th. Yes, I did ask that. Perhaps not that clearly - I write better than I speak. I know you can't make that deadline now and that's totally fine. Regardless, perhaps you thought I couldn't possibly have meant 5 events in 2.5 weeks, and just assumed that I meant one weekend by the thirtieth, and left it at that. In the future, please don't leave it at that. Say something like "Lock down 5 events in 2 weeks? Hello? Are you nuts?"

In other, more concise words, I think the nature of our problem is that we don't discuss the planning of our plans. I dictate a schedule to you, you nod and say "great," and then it doesn't happen. What we need is a discussion. You need to honestly and openly tell me when I'm dumping too much on you, asking for too much too fast, and generally being too demanding or controlling. And its ok to say you don't like my idea for an event, or you dislike what I've got in mind for this ministry, or something like that. I know I am prone to doing such jerkish things - I won't be hurt by you saying so.

God did not call you here to listen to me. He called you to this ministry idea to make it work, and a big part of that involves discussion. As long as we stay focused on Him, such talks will only strengthen this ministry. So please, please feel like you can argue with me, confirm things with me, set your own schedule, tell me to shove it, etc.

Alright, I've rambled on for long enough. Let's end this monstrous email. To recap: I'm not mad at you, I'm not disillusioned, and I'm still excited about Poco-premid. However, I think we may be getting into a bad pattern, partially because I ask to much of you, and I suspect partially because you don't tell me how you feel at our planning sessions. As a partner in ministry, I want to correct that pattern, and as your friend, I want you to feel like you don't have to pretend around me, or at least know that dodging all possible conflicts with me may not be the best way to go. But you know you still rock, and if I didn't like you and care about this ministry I wouldn't have spent so long writing you this email.

So there. I hope this wasn't too long, or too offensive, or too much to deal with this early in the morning. How are you feeling? Is my insight actually insightful, or am I a few miles west of base? Are there more problems with me and my attitude that I didn't mention and you could enlighten me on? Do you need help with the details, or do you just want to take this month one week at a time? Lemme know.

As for this weekend, I think it may be time to invoke the emergency plan. For service opportunities, we may need to find when opportunities are available and work our schedule around them. If you haven't told me otherwise by then, I'll send out the cafe by the corner thing tonight.

Have a good one, Laura. We'll see you Friday.
Zack