Thanksgiving

Yesterday went well- I slept in (12 hours of sleep total!), worked out, gave myself a pedicure, got in a fight with my Dad and then my Mom (later resolved with a BEAUTIFUL letter from Mom taped to the stairs), went to the Liset's for Thanksgiving meal and dessert, and then to Eric and Kathy's for a post-thanksgiving-Christmas-movie-night. The movie, Elf, was super cute. :) Going to the Lisets was wonderful as usual- their son grew up over night and is in his first year of college (I remember way back then.. my goodness- I have learned SO much since then!!!) and there was the brother of Syliva and his wife and child who came... his daugher (Becky) is actually interested in Esthetics in Vermont where she's from!! Who would have guessed?! I was MORE than excited to tell her all about it and urge her to work at a spa for a while during her training as an Esthetician so that she will have her foot in the door. She's so sweet! :) I was able to talk with a woman whom I have seen at church but never really have talked with: Sam, and invited her and John to 'group' next weekend. I hope they can go! Over all it was a success... except for when movie night ended and Zack came over at about 9:00 after his familly get-together and while we were all chatting- I asked him if he got the funding for his animated movie... which he said yes, basically, but then went on to mention that he already told me on Sunday. Talk about feeling stupid. Yes- I have problems with memory and it IS getting better... but that really ticked me off: how he said it and such. Not cool. At any rate, I work today (and am looking forward to shopping for the 11th.... There is a certain woman who attends the spa and happens to attend a sister church of mine: she wanted to introduce me to a 'young man' that she knows ( a friend under her husband) who is 10 years older than me... so she is having an open house at her place in December, and invited me to go. I am going to go over to this guy's parent's house for a drink first and then we are all going to head over to Carol's house for the party... I really can't wait to go shopping for it.. I already know what shoes and pants I'm going to wear... the shirt will be the hard part! I think Jim's parents called my house and talked with my parents.. they were trying to get a hold of me for some reason. I called them back but I wonder if they told Jim to not bother because I live at home still.... yikes! Either way, it gives me the hope that I need that there are guys out there besides the ones that I can see. Three weeks away!

Who are we?

I was reading through a dear friend's blog, (Allison) and stumbled on this entry... I don't think she'll mind that I put it in my blog...
So I have some random thoughts. I saw a guy on I know campus today with his family. I see this guy every day as a student and as a musician, but it was different to see him as a son and brother. Then this made me think of the different roles we play. Myself- I am a student, musician, roommate, daughter, employee, sister, friend, taskmaster, etc. But this doesn't make me or anyone else who we are. They are just roles.
I think these pondering stem from Chris Huertz talk about the three lies of identity:
-I am what I do
-I am what I have
-I am what others think I am
These are what we normally base our identity on, but it is not who we are. According to the Bible, we are the sons and daughters of God. It amuses me that are core identity is as simple as that. We have it so wrong sometime- we overemphasize, overanalyze, and overcomplicate.
Very good point.. and I think I struggle with this enormously: society tells me that I need to be this certian thing, but yet I know that I am a child of the creator and that is what is important.. only that.. but how do I actually find identity in that? I am loved with out condition....WITHOUT condition or hesitation, but when I think about it, what exactly does that mean? I can be myself, I would imagine, but who is that? Allison- you have found things in your life that you are passionate about- things that you can do so beautifully (Music), and you are still not defined as that, but as a child because God has given you this gift to enjoy the life He gave to you.. does this sound right? I also have finally found a place that I love to be in life... so that is my task in life but not who I am? My brain can only stretch so far...

So I graduate in two and a half weeks with an Esthetic's licence!!! AAAH!! Next Sunday will be very hard for me, but also something that my soul needs to do: My work is hosting a full day of beauty (hair, massage, esthetics, nails) for cancer survivors- I finally have a chance to participate in the day by giving facials and doing makeup--- I so desparately need to do this as it will be my first chance to do what I did when I was three: take care of someone dying of cancer.... I love knowing that I will be able to take special care of someone else - I want to say that I have immense devotion to cancer survivors but acutally I feel it brings me back to 'where I came from' . I really want to make these women feel totally beautiful and cared for: this is why I wanted to do Esthetics in the first place!

To all the Ships at Sea...

"To all the ships at sea and all the ports of call; to my family and friends and strangers. This is a message and a prayer. The message is that my travels taught me a great truth. I had what everyone else is searching for and few ever find; the one person in the world who I was born to love forever. A person like me of the outer banks and the blue Atlantic mystery. A person rich in simple treasures, self made, self taught; a harbor where I am forever home. No wind or trouble or even a little death can knock down this house. The prayer is that everyone in the world can know this kind of love and be healed by it. If my prayer is heard then, there will be an erasing of all guild, and all regret: and an end to all anger. Please, God. Amen.
If some lives form a perfect circle: other's take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand. Loss has been a part of my journey, but it has also shown me what is precious; so has a love for which I can only be grateful."
-The Message in the Bottle

Jay wrote me a letter last night... we had a wonderful time hanging out and it seemed to quiet my pained heart. We never talk about these things- mostly because we spent so many years so close and then destroyed each other's lives and hopes with angry words and hateful actions. Timing could not have been any worse. It's like this: I have this ache in my soul that won't go away. He told me yesterday that I probably could not be happy without having a boyfriend- I honestly really never have been able to focus completely on other things until I have been in a relationship. Him saying that to me really dug deep, but at the moment, I am 'in-waiting'. I have been waiting for so long for God to bring someone into my life. I have gone to bars only to find that I loathe the smoke and idle conversation. I have looked at church- only to find a bunch of guys who I would bow over and not respect due to their timid natures- and the one guy that does stand up to me, but in a sloppy way that angers me to no end. I figured the other day that the reason I hold so much hostility towards him (this Christian guy) is because I feel that he's the only one that I will ever meet that has a head on his shoulders. He's not nice with Muffin and very harsh with words... and I need someone that will hold me, comfort me, love me passionately- I know this guy could not do this in the way that I so very deeply need. I feel like (and I know this is not true) he is the one that God has put in my path to be with and I am angry because he is not what I am looking for- therefore I take it out on him because I don't know how to talk with God right now about such things.
Here's Jay's letter:

let me preface this with the fact that my love for you will never change.

do you ever think that we are supposed to be together?

i know that there are problems with that but i am willing to try. if not well i guess that I will settle for someone else (i hate to settle for anything) this is just a last chance even though weve been through this but i honestly cant think of how i could ever care for someone the way i care for you. and it seems unfair to be with someone else that i coulndt love as much as you (to them) I dont know where im going with this but if there is an out and i need it i cant be one of these guys that pine over a girl, im not that guy and lord knows youve got plenty of them. All i know is that if i lost my soul mate over something that we agree on in diffrent ways, when it all comes to an end and im judged the turning point is gonna be WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY HARDER WITH THE ONE THING THAT COUNTED? and you know what I am sure of. God whants me to be with someone that challenges me to find the right answers, not someone to tell the answer too, because i havent got it. well i love you and i might not be perfect but this email is.

No- he's not perfect, but he is perfect in his knowledge of me and vice versa. He has been a person of my greatest emotions- both anger and happiness. He has been there for me for ages and we have stayed friends without anything physical (at ALL) for four years. We have a hold on eachother that I know I don't have the power to break. I see him as my Bunny: he takes SUCH good care of me when I hurt. He listens so well. He plays with my hair when I am sad- tells me to stop making a big deal of things when he thinks I can be strong- and lets me put my head on his shoulder and hug me when I can't be strong. I love him so much and yet he doesn't love God.
Now I have to choose.
There's someone else and it's so hard because I have to figure out if God is more important to me than Jay. I have to choose. He will never turn to God- he will never change his views- he will always be Jay. (I am so thankful that he has been so strong all these years to stay as himself- he has the strongest will I have ever seen- he is still 100% Jay even though I have morphed into so many diffferent hidden people over the past 8-9 years that we have been best friends!!)
What am I going to do?
I do love him.
He doesn't love God.
I have to trust God with all of my being NOT to do this and be with Jay-- it will take everything that is in me not to. Everything.

I am trusting you, God. I need help- I hurt and really find it hard to trust that you are going to put someone in my life that I can love deeply, respect, honor, devote my full life to- who loves you. I have been waiting for so long and it seems like I don't have any time left to choose about Jay- and I know that you would want me to choose someone who loves YOU: who respects, prays, honors, worships YOU. What can I do? Lord, I know that I am asking a lot- and I know that nothing is too big for you: but I pray that between today and tomorrow I can meet the person that you have for me-- I am too weak, Lord, to wait any longer, I feel. You know me better- but Lord: my soul is hurting and so weary. I don't want to see Jay with another girl- I don't think I could quite handle that; at all. I pains me to think this. And I need hope. Mine is kinda gone and I don't think that I can withstand this-- you know I would make it work with Jay if I could- I would because we work through everything and I TRUST him. I trust him to be trustworthy with those things that effect me the most- things that I don't trust anyone else with: my emotions, my weaknesses, etc. and change. He doesn't change. That is both a genuine crown, and my biggest down-fall with him.
God: I believe; Help me in my unbelief.