More thoughts...

So, I wanted to write myself out a game plan. I wanted this to be written down so that I can accomplish what I want in life starting now. Okay-
1.) I want to make the conscience effort to put the past in the past. I want to put the errors and mistakes that I have made away from my thoughts so that it doesn't tangle with my view of what I can accomplish- I don't want thoughts of old actions to represent who I am. I am learning every day and I need to throw fear off a cliff as I know I am capable of continuing to do whatever it is I want: let nothing stand in the way.
2.) Go to Coffee Hour. Dreaded in the past, but now it will be a source of friendship and connections with my Church Family. I used to be afraid that I wouldn't know how to end the converstion or I would have to pretend that I was interested-- but because I love these people, I will remember that what they have to say is very valuable and lets me understand them more.
3.) I will get rid of Mr. Italian GQ before he starts talking about paperwork again (yikes.. testing results in such-- oh yeah! He's blunt, let me tell you...) we have very different agendas and his are not pure-- oh, so far from it. He would be a teacher in a worldly way, but I don't need that training- I have a husband in my future (no matter how far in the future) who will be that for me.
4.) I want to finish reading Luke.
5.) I want to pour myself into improving at work- Esthetics work and building relationships at work.
6.) Make a conscience effort to pay attention to others feelings- I can be oblivious and step over people's toes and I need to not do that anymore- I want to be someone that keeps strong myself and be assertive, but ALSO realize how other people work and how they feel/ react to what I say and do.
7.) Keep the faith that God is in control 100%. He is real and ALIVE and I need to realize that the useless effort that I am putting out is a waste as it is ALL in His hands. All of it. Thank you.

Starting my Career on Monday

I am booked already on Monday. I can barely contain my excitement!!!! I start officially with a brand-new client alongside a Classic European Facial for Kelly and Four Layer facial and full Bikini and Leg for Amy L.... I am more than excited to do this.. and get paid for it! It is a dream come true and I thank God for giving me the vision and the feet to get me here. I stopped by my advisor's office for a meeting about what classes I need to take to graduate... I want to take the Personalities (psych) Course offered in March but I need to save up $700 to do so. Yikes! It's worth it, though- let me tell you!! The new advisor is a sweetheart and really has her self pulled together- very professional and very sweet.
So, I had another chat with Tammy which helped me immensely. We were chatting about the guys/mistakes in my life and she really had helpful things to say. "Have you ever been alone? Can you be? Wouldn't it be good to just try it to prove to yourself that you can be?" I feel like I wouldn't be able to be in the past, but I think I might be able to do it now. It's like this: I'm not dating anyone at the current time, but I have an immense pull in my heart that desires something real: someone whom I can pour all my time into and tell all my woes and joys. I do, however, have this silly 'circuit' as Tammy calls it, of people that I go back to. I've been struggling lately and the latest 'mistake' is still around. I have such an urge to be honest with him, though. He is attractive to me because (I met him at a bar- he made the best gesture of shivelry by moving everyone out of the way when I was trying to walk through the a crowd to the bar.. he's a tall guy 6'3'' and Italian... good looking!) he takes care of himself financially and I don't have to support him or pay for things when we go out. Usually I don't mind in most cases, but it seems like he's the first real gentleman that I've met and it's refreshing. He doesn't have a job, he hasn't for a long time, he has a huge and beautiful apartment with beautiful decorations, He smokes freely, he locks the door to his room even when he is just going outside to do something or go to the convenient store around the corner, he has his own Jeep that he owns, a massive screen TV in him living room, and goes back to NY when he feels like it for the weekend. Does anyone else see a problem here? Goodness. The real tipper is that his phone rings at home and on his cell EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES. "I have a lot of friends..' yikes. I think there just might be something else going on here. To be truthful, I get a high from it- I haven't been told outright, but I just like to live in a little world of denial and reap the benefits of hanging out with a 'self-motivated' and independant person. I also want to let him go. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to be with Josh. I don't want to be with any of these guys. I think I'm almost ready to prove to myself that I can do this without a guy.

Update

It has been so long since I have posted something... so much has happened. I graduated from Esthetics school and took the State Board Exam on the 17th... I think it went pretty well. The guys in my life have taken a turn for the worst: Nick (Argintinian Nicolas) and I started hanging out in the beginning of January/end of December. He was under the impression that we were dating because we were hanging out and that he had told me he really liked me. (This is the third January that we have gotten together- it's now a kind of running joke.) We had a big fight over the phone about it before he and my brother went to Argintina- I left it that I would call him if I 'came to my senses' and decided that I wanted to work towards a serious relationship with him- other wise the deal was that I wouldn't call him because he 'doesn't need another friend'. He left Lindt chocolates under the handle of the screen door out back. He's still in Argintina working on getting an extention for his work visa. Zack also, during the same weekend, took me aside (an hour conversation) and told me that he was attracted to me and that we needed to spend less time together and have less meaningful conversations so that we don't start to build a relationship that is beyond what we were looking for. He has real guts- he has some serious strength to tell me this and to be so honest... good guy. So I cried for a while while he watched-- too much all at once. And then there's Josh. He told me about a week ago that he was in love with me. Goodness-- what do I do? I get myself into some really hurtful relationships- where I am the one that hurts others. I am seeing him on Tuesday night so hopefully we can talk-- I was honest with him the other day when (I had been drinking a little bit so I was more open) I told him that I was jealous of the earings that were sitting on his bed-side table.. I wasn't a fan of that situation at all. He told me very recently that he was happy that I was jealous and thought that we were moving into an exclusive relationship... I am such a jerk.