Lately

Work has been going well- the trip to Philadelphia is coming up soon-- I told the Spa Director that I was not able to go for financial reasons... we have to pay for our hotel room and food which I need to save to be able to move into this apartment asap! (By April 22nd!) I am going over to the Miller's house tonight at 5:30 to look at the apartment and to have some dinner-- hooray! :) The apartment has a washer/dryer, dishwasher, two bedrooms, window furnishings, carpet, security deposit included. I would only pay for electricity and heat: not bad! So it would be a total of about $500/month which is dirt cheap!!
The latest on the guy front: Jay is still my bunny- it seems like he will always be in my life. I adore him and need him for support- He's like the best friend/father/voice of reason in my life. Thank goodness. I really am thankful to have him in my life. He wasn't very supportive about the apartment as I would have to find a roommate and he was worried that she would be either a bad influence or irresponsible. FD is still in my life but will soon be exiting. Ya know: I'm really not into tattoos at all and he keeps getting more and more of them. He bruised my arm in play-fighting because I bumped his newly-tattooed arm. I am a woman who does NOT like to be treated like that: I am not another guy who you can play fight with.. (ie: no wrestling!) It's a turn off and makes my stomach sour. He keeps calling me and wanting me to come over. I am loosing the desire to even do that! I want to be treated with respect, and I want to settle down. I know he is not the one. I know this.
TH is a relentless battle of running the other direction. When I went out with my friend Roy for a bit, he was there. Trying to chat with me for an hour about something that he was buying. I was really bored with the conversation and just kept my eyes on the DJ booth. He kept trying to talk to Roy, but Roy just laughed in his face and walked away. I feel bad that he comes my direction, and I really wish he would find a girlfriend to make him feel better. He has a very dark and bad side to him- he's a schemer. He really does not have a concept of how to relate and be friends with someone so he seems to plan a way into their lives. Very interesting.
I pushed JZ out of my life this month. He called the other day very upset because he had poured out his heart and I left him out in the cold. I honestly don't believe that he knows what love is. There is no way that he can love me: we have known each other for four years, but we have been friends. I made the mistake of kissing him two years ago when I was out in the bar scene in his college town.
Ever since: he's wanted to be with me and I must admit that at one point I liked him, too: but not how he cares. I can't. I am emotionally stunted. Roy and I went out to Banana's last week to just hang out and listen to the DJ (James :), and he told me a bunch of things about Adam that shattered my heart. He told me that after the two of us broke up he continued to bounce at the club in the next town over. (That I knew about.) He turned into a slut. What did he mean by that you say? He slept with basically every girl who walked into the club: he was bragging to Roy that that night, two girls had just 'serviced' him in the bathroom moments earlier. Who is this boy? I don't feel like I ever knew who Adam was, now. I thought that I knew him with every piece of my being, but from hearing this, my hope of a man being able to be honest with me went right out the window. Ouch. So painful and slicing right through my heart.

A country singer speaks the words that I would like to say:

I'm moving on!
At last I can see:
life has been patiently waiting for me.
And I know there's no guarentee
but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in every (woman's) life,
Where all he can see are the years passing by.
And I have made up my mind
and I'm not alone.
I'm moving on!

Robert Frost

You're My Regret

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost (1874-1963) "The Road Not Taken" [1916]


Sometimes, the beauty of life lies in not knowing what that other road had held

My Dearest Allison Wrote...

<<<<<"I worry that people will not like me and reject me. I worry that all that I
love will leave me. I am afraid of being alone."

Dearest Laura,
I only got to know you over a semester and feel in love with the person God has
made you to be. You are one of the people I think about who have come into my
life for such a short time, but will always leave an impression on me. Your
brokenness will strengthen you. Your pain will shape and grow you. And
remember the good work that God has begun in you, He will see to its completion.
-Allison>>>>>>

CUtie- thank you so much for this email: I feel of all people that I have known in my short existence here, you are the one who knows the true person God made me to be- you saw me as who I am- the real me: in love with God and untainted by my past mistakes...THANK YOU for bringing me back there by encouraging me with His truth... He is good!!!
Funny story Sweetie: He was everywhere yesterday.. hehehe: I was going outside before church to dig myself out and all doors of the house were locked....I walked out the back door with my shovel and started to close the door but my shoelace got stuck in the frame and prevented me from getting locked out... so I went to church (on time) and it was like the pastor was speaking for me to hear: 'Putting Calamine lotion on Melanoma'. (He referenced Psalm 51... beautiful)... "Stop distracting yourself from pain and face it--> we need to change from the inside and then it will show on the outside; Our prayer: I am a son to you, but I feel so dead to you and cold at heart: unless you ARRIVE AND CHANGE MY HEART." Excellent sermon! I love the 'arrive' part especially when we get too weak and deep into our own mind that we can't see out. I love the action word on His part because it's like He cares so much that He will reach OUT and come to US because He is so enthralled with us. Neat.
Thank you again, Sweetie for you note: I really appreciate you and so thankful that I have you in my life-- I am truly blessed!!
Love you tons and bunches,
Laura :)

Finally my heart breaks...

Finally my heart breaks. I desperate release from the pent up feelings that have been welling up in my soul. There is so much pain and so much honesty that has not been let out. The dam has been broken. Lord, help me to figure these things out- please. I see this character of who I desperately need to be—so far from who I am right now. I long for my joy to come back to me. I ache with the habits that I have formed of keeping people at bay. I am so stiff and rigid. I feel that my fun and happy self went away and when I see this character played out I hunger to be myself and let go. I so long to be what my parents have raised me to be- a woman of honor… not of deceit and evil actions. I see in my mind what I respect and what I love. I am in the right place but I am leading myself down a path that is dark and lonely. I long to be free of this burden of being someone else. I want to be seen for who I really am- not what I feel like being and that is terrifying. I can’t seem to let go- even to write. I worry that I will write something down and God will hear it and give me what I ask for--- but it will be in a horrible way. I worry that people will not like me and reject me. I worry that all that I love will leave me. I am afraid of being alone. I am afraid of things changing. I am afraid that I am capable of making terrible decisions that will trap me without a way out. I am afraid of being left behind. I am afraid of not being cared about or able to be loved- true love. I am afraid of not being able to express myself and know what I am feeling. I keep people so far away from my heart and I don’t know why. I won’t let anyone in because I am afraid that they will get bored of me or find out that I am dull or unlovable. So I pretend to be someone that I am not- I am so nice to people because I don’t want them to hurt or feel rejected but I still lose. I don’t want them to hate me either.
I long to be me. I long to be able to know what I feel and what I need. I am desperate to be able to speak and have purpose. I long to have a loosed tongue and say and do what I know is Right and Good and Real. I want Integrity back. I want my innocence back. I want every terrible thing that has come out of my mouth to be forgotten and every good thing to come to mind so that I may become stronger and sharper. I want to be good. I want to be honest. I want to be real. I want to stay strong and have self-control so that my heart will want to do right as well as my actions showing that desire. I long for purity.
I am nervous to even say these words, Lord- because I don’t want you to ‘show me’ that you can do these things in my life because even though I know they are good things to ask for, I am afraid how you will give them to me. The words are out of my mouth, Lord and I am struggling to trust you with them. You are the Creator of all things and I know that you love me, but I have such a hard time understanding you or trusting your ways. Your ways are not my ways- I don’t know that whole picture that I am a puzzle and I am having a hard time focusing or comprehending what to do. I am on my own and yet I feel like I should still have a curfew. I am afraid to act- to move almost. Why can’t I speak? Why can’t I argue or have a still confidence in myself? Why do I have to walk around so wounded when you have given me so much? I long for perfection and correctness in life and yet I am a mess. I cannot be what everyone expects me to be—meaning that I have created a version of myself for different people in different places. I have built this version of myself to get me where I think I need to go and have left my true self somewhere. Knowing that I wouldn’t lose my gained wisdom if I was to go back to who I truly am- who You made me to be--- what would that look like? I have learned how to act in different situations but it still lands me in the place of not being myself and doubting who I am so I ‘act’. Exactly.
I am afraid of the word love. I never heard it from my parents until I was a full adult. It aches to say it back. I am afraid that I don’t know what that is. I know selfish love. I have soaked in it my whole ‘dating-life’. Always for a purpose or for a gain: never because I had Fallen in love. Adam was very different… but to mention him hurts deeply. I didn’t know what I had when I had him—I didn’t realize that it was pure and true. I don’t understand what happens when people fall in love. Is it a feeling or is it because you are attracted to them? Both can fade. So what makes it last with some couples for a life time- and then they live side by side in a nursing home? I fear that I will never have what it takes to keep the attention of anyone and so I go from one to another without blinking an eye. I have my ‘circuit’, as Tammy would say—‘because (I) am unsure of myself, my decisions and on my gut feelings about a person’s character. (I) don’t want to be right that they are of poor character so (I) have more than one guy around at all times so that I don’t have to bank everything on one and be let down’. I am just afraid and that’s the bottom line.
I need and want to let go. I want to let my old self fade quickly away—the deceit, the false identity, the lies, the selfishness, the bad habits that I have grown into a garden of thorns. I want to let out the real ‘me’ and not hide behind fear of what people will think of me. I want to find a man who will teach me to trust and who is of beautiful integrity and honesty- and I want to find out what love is and live my every day thankful for him. I don’t want to lose him or scare him away. I want to be rock solid on my decision and know that he is the one. I want to go overseas and help people in anyway I can. I want to go on a Mercy Ship with my love and serve and die many, many years from now with a full life lived- and die in a way that is fitting for one of Your children. I pray we die on the same day and never have to be without one another- and I pray that we will be strong and You will guide and provide for us everyday that we live. I pray for that quiet intimacy with him and with You that my heart cries out for in every move that I make. I pray for multitudes of blessings on my brothers and my parents and for their safety and knowledge of what to do. I pray for healing and for a wave of peace to come over me again- not from a tragic event, I pray- but one from you to me. I pray that you keep me safe and that your magnificent wings cover over me and shield me from danger. You will do what you will do, Lord, and I know that. I ask these things from what I think I need and want. You are the true decider of what I do and what will happen. I pray that you never forget our beach in Ireland or every tear that falls from these eyes. I pray that you remember that I am dust and very weak without your voice that holds my together. I pray that you never let me be without hope- for without that I am broken. I pray that you allow me to be me and love me for what you’ve created- I ask this because I fear that I have tainted your creation and have made it something bad. Please give me more chances, Lord: for I am struggling with so many thoughts and fears. I am your servant who is not fit to be in your sight and mind. And yet you never leave me.