Responding to Di's Email...

Thank you, sweetie :) You know, it really has been a long time coming... and thank goodness it came in time- yah know? It's funny, I never thought of family as being such a vital part of life, but honestly it has been grounding for me and a wakeup call that love is not something that is earned... (crazy concept, but an honest struggle!).. it is something that does not come from actions alone, but almost by situations- who is placed in my path and how they are 'kin' (if that's the word I am looking for) to me. I know that I love my family and church family- not because of anything that they've done for me (although they have done immense things), but because they have a space reserved for them in my heart, I guess I could say, and I will work toward knowing more about them and have 'shared experiences' with them because I love them. It's an epiphany-type of realization that I allows me to feel the beginnings of 'wholeness' in the sense that I have been looking for a purpose and meaning and a direction in my life (to avoid or start fresh), but I realize that I need to find out who I am: right here, right now- where I am sitting... not far away in a situation set up by my own planning... but in a place where reality and opportunites are actually EVERYWHERE- to change and grow and feel even more conquerous because I have started to open my eyes and really look at things around me...
Well, thank you for the sweet encouragement... the same goes for you, sweetie: finding someone who is just right comes in time (I know this personally, but being demanding is in my veins I think); and finding someone who is on the same planet in terms of maturity and goals and previous trials is very hard to do.. but I have this really strange feeling lately (as in today..hehehe) that waiting is perfect for right now. Not 'waiting' as in stopping and being still and stagnant: rather being alive and growing until I happen upon someone who comes at the right time- but knowing that there are trillions of people out there with different dynamics and history... and there just might be someone out there who fits our needs and we fit theirs (is that called a soul mate... hmmm). At any rate, I think it will be interesting to have this conversation in a year and laugh at how far we've come- you with your dreams of opening up your own business and growing and living fully, and me on this current journey of getting the heck out of this skin of old habits... to be two, totally different (but also totally the same) girly-girls, from the year past... who have moved on and conquered the next step. :)

FW: Hi darling

From: Di To: Laura

Subject: Hi darling

Date: Mon, 30 Aug 2004 08:14:17 -0700 (PDT)

Glad to hear that you are taking everything to such a deep level - I am happy for you. I am happy to see that you are finally becoming so close with your family, and you are becoming such an active member of your church - it was such a dream of yours when youwere younger, and like your friend Erin, you knew at that point in time that it just wasn't a good decision and you weren't ready for it.

It's nice to know that all of the things that youlearned over that period of time are finally coming together like a picture now, isn't it? Like you can see why everything happened, andwhat it taught you all along, etc. Some unfortunate side effects, but they will wear away with time as you learn how to be all that you want to be and the young and stupid things that you (we all) used to do are forgiven as being just that, young and stupid mistakes. Most of us end up with them. And if that certain someone doesn't see that, then he doesn't deserve you, because he was too scared to go out and learn the mistakes that needed to be made in order to learn about himself enough to really find someone who is as perfect for him as the other half that you will find will be. Maybe I'm wrong, and you will see my words as just that, not what is really in your heart, but don't see some guy as perfect for you without realizing that there is a reason that he doesn't want to give you a chance - you need someone who has made some mistakes and is willing to help you work through yours and wants your help with his, just like you said that you needed. Someone who woke up, just like you, and you can talk about anything with and won't fault you on your past. That's all any of us are really looking for, at least you've figured out what it is that you want to work for in your life and know what it requires out of that other aspect of your life (men...grrr) in order to be happy with a significant other. Well, I'm going to go, 'cause our Adam just left, and Elise is screaming for me, so I think that she needs to talk, lol. Very proud of you, it takes guts to do what you havedone with your life..., Di

This brings me back to today's saga...

So back to me being selfish. Zack and I worked on the ministry outline again this morning before the service. He's so opposite of me it's fantastic! I really think it will be a strong ministry that is well rounded with two people who see very differently- if we can agree on things- the sky's the limit! I do have doubt in my abilities and go back to feeling like a child who shouldn't be dabbling with real responsibility, but I ask that God help me with my ideas and with strategy and with strength to make this a tool with which He can use for something great. I am but a weak person (and weak is only one word to describe me as without strength) and I will need his inspiration and guidance to get through this! Yikes! I love the idea- and it gives me purpose- something that I really need and desire strongly. Thank you for the answer to prayer!!! Thank you!!!!
So- to update on the Adam situation- there isn't one. Period. He walked away this morning when I came over to talk with him and Zack... he had great shoes on though! Nicely done! I did have a pity party for myself this afternoon after the fact... I had to remind myself that it was okay and that it is not my fault if he doesn't like me: I need to remember that I cannot be perfect and no one actually is. I had to remember that he is a great guy and he's not a complete and totaly jerk for walking away- he just does not have interest.. regardless of what horrible things he's heard about me and my past: he will never know me for who I really am and I think that's an okay thing. There will be someone in this world for me (God willing) who can be my life partener, and even though I haven't found him yet, little (or even big) ouches like this don't fortell my future: Not all Christian guys will run away from me because of my past. There will be someone if He sees a need for there to be one- God knows my heart and how it crys (he made it!) so I will ask when I want to, but only He knows what really will happen. So I am asking for your guidance, LOrd: you know what I am looking for and you know what I actually need. I will do my best to stop trying and leave it in your hands.

The week...

We had another group event yesterday, and I think it went well-- we went to the Edgewood Center: the group consisted of Kathy, Eric, Liz and Rich Dipippo, Erin, Jacob and myself. Liz and Rich brought their cats... one bit Liz when she was taking him out for the residents to hold, and so she put him in time out for the remainder of the trip. The other one, Fiona (a boy kitten) was perfect... I remember how much they loved him: they petted him and kissed him... one of the residents told me that she had to give up her cat that used to sleep on her head every night when she was put into the center. So sad...... one of the men who held the cat was so excited: he really hugged him close... I think the man really and truely missed being close to someone and needed to hold that cat- who purred as he sat on the man's chest. Speaking with some of the other residents really broke my heart, too... Helen, one of the ladies that I spoke with was waiting for her daughter to visit her-- she kept looking through her purse to file through the letters and cards she had received. She looked and seemed so lost and alone... I think she was mentally all there, but really needed to hold onto the hope that someone was going to visit her. She wanted to give me things like her watch and candy-- i can't explain exactly how sick it made me feel to think that she wanted to give me something of her's because I was just doing something as simple as talking with her. I understand that some adults put their parents in a place like this because they don't want the 'hassle' and responsibility of the detailed care involved with an elderly family member, but this place was so dark even though there were huge, beautiful bay windows where chairs were placed so that residents could look outside.. not that they will ever get to leave and go outside. I guess I saw it as a place for them to go and die... and they know it. The caretakers seemed really sweet and generous with their time, but they are paid. It is such a scary thing to think about: growing old. I think I got more out of visiting these people than they did having us visit and hang out with them.

Today was a very selfish day for me- I was completely wrapped up in my own thoughts and own world where everything and everybody was part of my personal-life-movie. Jay was there for me as always... he truely is my best friend. I can't believe that I am going on seven years knowing him.. the only time I've been apart from him in these seven years was when I went to Taylor and Ireland. Besides that, he has been my closest friend (and ex) and official knows me better than any human being alive. What a beautiful thing! I respect him not only because he stands up for who he is and for what he is. He has a backbone and has taught me fathoms about life and relationships. We have been through more than most people who have been married for ten years undoubtedly! We have worked through so many things... drinking problems, his mother, his mother trying to commit suicide, our own personal flaws that lashed out against the other, our fights and brawls, and our younger youth, essentially. I look at all the other guys that I have dated in my life... goodness. There are so many mistakes there! Not one of them matches to his personality and strength- not one! I look at other guys- for example, Tony, Josh, Derek, Eddie, and this list goes on from this past year.. yikes... and none of them- and I mean NONE of them have the possiblity to amazing me, listen to me (and likewise), give the same advice, know me and my family dynamics, care about the small things and honestly give up his own time and breath to listen to me rant and rave about something that happened-- he is so selfless with me at times- and then other times he is perfectly selfish which is so perfect and fitting; we've never given up on our friendship- we've never had a fight where we don't forgive and forget... it just keeps going. Not one of them is like him! I'm his bunny and he's my sweetheart. Period. Is it possible to find someone like him who loves the Lord? I can't imagine marrying Jay because I know exactly what would happen, and so does he, but I love him dearly and need him in my life. He is my strength at times and my frustration at other times.... it's so weird to me that I've never really written about him in any of my journals... he's always just been a part of it. Whoa-- there is no way that I love him in the way that I could allow myself to be in a real relationship with him as boyfriend and girlfriend, but my love is much deeper and more engraved than that- and physical hasn't entered back into the picture for four years. That's four years of commitment to a friendship... but I am sad to think that we will both marry different people.. she better be amazing.. but not as cool as he thinks i am at any rate. :)

Another week has gone by- and it was really and truely wonderful. I feel rested and replenished... and honestly I am very thankful that God has given me a focus and a vison. I do not deserve to be allowed to have an impact or to serve Him-- I have messed up in the past very terribly, but dispite it all, He has given me a wonderful and humble (faithful) parents who want the best for me and who have been changing how they react to certain situations because they respect my feelings; I have the most wonderful brother who has taken me into his and his wife's life-- they have been the backbone in my life for the past year.. without them, hope would've been lost... they have mentored me and been there for me and loved me through all the mess ups of the past year. They have such deep love and such great hearts... I have a wonderful church that I now belong to- one that is rich with people who love God and who want to grow and serve others.... I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE LOVED LIKE THIS! I DO, HOWEVER, PRAY THAT I CAN BE A TOOL OF GOD'S THAT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND GIVE BACK WITH LOVE AND GRACE ALL THAT HAS BEEN SHOWERED ON ME. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE WHO HURT, AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO WHAT IS IN MY POWER AND WIRING TO DO- SO THAT I CAN IMPACT LIVES FOR CHRIST-- HE HAS DONE SOOOOO MUCH FOR ME.... SO MUCH THAT I DID NOT DESERVE... AND YET HIS LOVE IS GREATER THAT I CAN IMAGINE...

Member of my church at last :)

I became a member of my church today! Hooray! Jay gave me the third degree and belittled the idea of becoming a member... ("What's the point? Do you have to give money now or something? Whatever.") I guess it is good for me to think of why it's important and why I desire to take this step... goodness. Well-- I know that He is doing wonderful things in my life: I struggle with power and control. I have for quite a while: I like to be the one calling the shots and directing my 'destiny' so to speak. It's funny, though-- this ministry idea was something that came to me- not my own idea, but actually Kathy's idea as a remedy for my problems in life (with going to the bars and getting slammed three to five times a week) and then it just happened that I was in a small group that I felt comfortable in (thanks to Eric and Kathy who loving have taken me into thier lives of thier own loving accord) and met Zack and Erin.. who Zack has turned out to be a VITAL part of the up n' coming ministry- he can communicate via writing extremely well... he's done fabulously with the emails so far- and the follow ups with digital pictures and all!!
Erin spoke with me tonight about the email she sent me yesterday... she wasn't sure if she wanted to be part of the ministry because she is dating a non-Christian. She mentioned that if she was in leadership, she would be uncomfortable because people have different views of dating and 'yoking' as she put it.. and didn't want to be asked to step down because of her choice for the time being. I told her that it was perfectly fine that she step down herself before the ministry becomes official- and just help us with ideas and such for events. She looked very relieved when she heard that from me-- I bet she was totally nervous to have made a commitment (semi-commitment) and then after some thought, realized that it was the wrong choice for right now.. Good girl! That's so hard to do! She handled it so gracefully!
Saturday will hopefully be fun-- the Edgewood Center seems to be the focus as of tonight- I asked Liz if she would be willing (if it's allowed) to bring her cat(s) to visit the elderly.. they'd love it!
I saw Mr. Perfect tonight as well... he knew the girls next to me and chatted with them from the pew behind us... but I didn't get to talk with him-- he knows way too many people and so do I... I wonder if he even wanted to talk with me-- ya know: I think I need to just cool it-- I'm putting way too much effort into thinking and worrying about him: I remember last year, this is what happened-- I really over-thought about the situation and eventually gave up and just totally discarded any idea that I would ever really get to talk with him and see what's behind that beautiful smile.... he's a great guy, but I wonder if I'm just putting too much emphasis on getting to know him. I need to focus more on the new ministry and getting that underway before I start thinking about entertaining this idea.

So, where am I at?

So, where am I at right now?
I look at where I've been traveling, and I have found that I am on a new path now-- I see that in the way I am viewing the future- now: with hope and purpose- as opposed to just wasting time until something 'happens' in my life to make it different. I am focused more on improving myself and being active and alive in doing the things that will be rewarding and fulfilling as opposed to the empty life that defined me a couple of months ago. It seems to me that the music I listen/listened to and wanted to know more about (Trance/House/etc.) had a beat that seemed to bring out things in me that were not light and vibrant (how I think I was created to be)-- it was more dark and fast paced- and it trickled into my everyday life... the pace picked up and things were very difficult to deal with. I know that I will always love the slower trance songs-- like Nick Warren, Push, and some of the dance-cheese like BT... but if God is going to work in my life, I want to change and have the strength to do so. My life was headed towards destruction and unhappiness. I feel that God allowed me to go to school and be an esthetician so that I would have purpose. It's funny, though- there are many little facets of my personality that seem to almost be wired to do this kind of work- there is always room for improvement; there is always updates and more knowlege to learn in the area of skin care; new clients everyday; knowledge in products and the ingredients in them; there is so much room to help people with things that maybe ailing them and making them feel less confident about themselves; it's the type of career that does not keep you behind a desk, and lastly: I can go wherever I want to in the world and do Esthetics- Australia (Dermologica) or Europe for example. There is Post-Graduate work that can be done in Boston- etc!!!
I pray that You can help me to stay on track- I need the strength to improve and be what You created me to be- not someone who is always doing when they want when they want to, but someone whom you are happy with- a person whom you created that takes joy in your work... and does something with it. I know that my desire to change came from a cry out to You, but YOU were the one that kept it active in my 'system'.

You have kept my emotions steady for the last month or so- I am beginning to think clearer-- I think my mind was actually NUMB: so cold that it couldn't retain ANY information... I couldn't remember anything that people told or explained to me-- I forgot pretty much every event that I voluneered or wanted to do... it was as if there was an actual cloud or film between my eyes and brain-- and the two could not connect. I know that the information is there.. somewhere... but I was not able to come together. I can still feel the numbness, but it feels as if I am walking out of the suffocating room to the sunny outdoors. I guess that's what alcohol and fast paced living (no sleep/club atmosphere/diet issues/etc.)

High Frequency Machine

High Frequency machine/ skin sterilizer - ebay for $99.00-- Item number: Item number: 5515187387... 3 days left to purchase it.

Here's the first entries of my old Journal...

"All the masterpieces of art contain both light and shadow. A happy life is not one filled with only sunshine, but one which uses both light and shadow to produce beauty." -Billy

Sunday, August 22, 2004
Yesterday's "Group' event went well at Erin's house. I brought Josh along to have a little bit o' fun. We watched the Emperor's New Groove.. very funny movie! The turn out was the Dipipos, Erin, Jacob, Zack, Eric and Kathy and I. We played Mario Cart on the Game Cube for a while and then watched the movie... Erin made brownies with vodka and black pepper in it!!! Whoa! They were really good.
School was fun as well... we learned about machines ( I want to buy a high frequency machine!) and I had a 'Cellulite Reduction Treatment' that acted as a detox treatment- I got very flushed and then very red afterwards- I was told by Tobey that I should not run or eat animal products (or anything heavy) for that night or so because my body had/was going to release toxins (poisins) into my blood stream- and then out of my body through the lymph system. Very interesting! I drank about 4-5 litres of water, too! Phew!
After the group event at Erin's, Josh and I drove around for about an hour and a half and talked about what we were looking for in a relationship..(this all started from the night before last when he left a message at 1am on my phone that he missed me essentially and wanted to talk to me about something.) He was very sweet in telling me that if I wanted to be with him, he was mine. I know he felt vulnerable, and I respect him for becoming vulnerable and taking a chance- because he knows my track record with guys, and he knows that I've kinda hurt him in the past. He told me that he cared very much for me-and that he had a kind of love for me- not the passionate love in, say, a marriage for example, but a type of love.
I am very happy to hear this, but at the same time, Erin was talking to me in the kitchen last night at her house about her conversation with Kathy at breakfast Saturday morning... and how Kathy was asking her how she felt about leading while dating someone who is not a Christian. Kathy AND Erin both decided that for her to be involved with a ministry and be a leader, that she and Jacob need to cool it and work towards friendship. She doesn't want to get hurt and she doesn't want to hurt him, but at the same time, she knows what's right and she knows what she has to do. Go Erin! That's such a hard decision to make! It was perfect timing, because if we hadn't talked about it last night, I know I would've excepted the offer to be with Josh without a doubt-- but being reminded that I need to stay focused and directed: God is my God and I am here to serve him-- for the past year, I have done my own thing and really found out how unfulfilling it really is. I want my life with God to be back where it was when I was at Taylor- and I want to be able to help lead this group with this energy and vibrance. I don't know where to start- I haven't formed habits yet, and I don't know how to start them again... I pray to you Lord- I DO want to serve you and do what's good in your eyes.. and that is not how I am right now. I want to be with a man who loves you and who serves you-- well before I meet him.. I don't want to be in another Adam Foster situation where I love him deeply and then think through what would happen if I married him without him being a Christian.. it would devistate our marraige and our closeness: I want to be able to encourage and be encouraged deeply in the spiritual sense with the person who I am with- I want to share with him how things are going at work, for example, and how God answered my prayer in this way (put a song on the radio when I really wanted to hear it) or that way...
Tony has text messaged me numerous times this week in hopes that I would call him back or hang out with him... I got a text message from him last night (I read it this morning) that said, "I thought you respected me more than you do but thats okay i still love you regardless; yes love. I have your ring you cant avoid me if you want it back." The next message said, "call me". I am FURIOUS. I am just really irked that someone would claim that to get me to call them and hang out. That is drastic measures. Maybe lust or infatuation, but love is very, very different. Love is patient and love is kind.... He doesn't even know me! By him being in my life (I haven't talked to him in two weeks) I have weathered a couple of friendships in the process of hanging out with thim, I don't want to further hurt anyone else or waste my own time. Why would I call him back? Why would I want to keep ties with him? I've learned that that doesn't work.

Friday, August 20, 2004
So... just as I closed my last entry box, I check my inbox and find a return message from Adam!!! Oh my goodness. So, I went into work and told Tammy who gave me the courage to write him back... I had no idea what to write. He did, however, leave the email with an open-ended question... I worried over the email I wrote for about 45 minutes during work (between clients and calls) and changed it about a 100 times. I felt a bit lightheaded when I pressed the send button. I'm okay now.
The HUGE bouquet of flowers that Tony sent me (with the cute little stuffed dog) sits at my work in the tea room- it was so beautiful- roses and lillys (my ultimate favorite)- just plain beautiful! Every person who works there asked me who they were from and if I was going out with this guy... I left them at work for everyone else to admire: I couldn't take them home.. what would I do with a huge bouquet of flowers that come from someone whom I don't love? The only contact I have had with him in the last week is when I text messaged him, "Thank you... I absolutely love them- perfectly beautiful..." and in response, I got the message after school, "I'm glad you like them. I will be at legends when you get out". Yeah. I won't be there because you sent me flowers. I won't be there because you expect something in return for the kind gesture of sending flowers- because I won't be calling back.
I want to focus now- I know who I am looking for and what I really desire... I have an idea that I have met him, but I don't think he is who he will become yet and that's why I don't know him... 'know' in the sense that I may not have met him yet... or maybe I can't see him for who he is.. or maybe he's in a different state or country... Scotland, perhaps? :) :) :) Who knows. All I know is that I am a damsel in distress, and I have a need to be rescued and fought for-- who will he be? Maybe I won't live to ever meet this guy or maybe I have made too many mistakes to ever meet him. Maybe I have walked away from him or maybe I passed him in my car today; maybe he was killed in the hugely powerful and glorious thunderstorm that we had tonight. Maybe I was ment to be single forever and am built to serve for one purpose- one moment in time- one brave or cowardly action that will change things as we know it. Maybe.

Friday, August 20, 2004
It has been the same thing this week: work and school.. however I did my first facial on a woman named Irene- the full facial! My first client!! Hooray :) She tipped my $10, too! How sweet of her. Yesterday I practiced on Gloria for a little bit- I still need to perfect my technique- cleansing isn't that difficult, but the massage part is a lot to remember! I borrowed a video from Tobey (the owner) to see what Dermologica was doing for each step-- that have some great processes!
I emailed Adam with the help of Tammy at work (Ahem!) and haven't heard back from him. That was Tuesday. I really have the feeling that he was probably annoyed getting an email- not knowing what to say back or not wanting to have to go to another event. I think I gave up last time (last year around this time, actually!) because I can't read him and figured that if I was going to be in a relationship with someone, they would need to take initiative with things and show what they're thinking. Adam is more of a inner-conflict-type of person I would imagine... he is not only shy, but he also (just a guess) thinks everything inside his own world and shares only when necessary. Maybe it's better that he doesn't write- that way I won't start to further like a guy who refuses to communicate with me- and likes me only because I took the first steps toward him... I love the bold guys who are right there 'in my face' and are obvious about how they feel with confidence-- and someone who is all about Christ and has a passion for his work. Is there someone out there for me? Will I die before I meet him? Can he really exist, or do I need to do my own searching.. or will he come to me?

Sunday, August 15, 2004 So today the group went to Chunky's in Sanford-- Adam and the Dipipo's came... We watched Alien vs. Predator... Princess Diaries 2 was going to be full of little girls and thier sisters and brothers... we opted to give up our chickflick for a fully guy movie.. it was a mistake.. lol.. but still fun. I tried to talk to Adam and I just made a fool of myself, I think.... I am very discouraged because I have so much doubt about myself and him... he really is a sweetheart, but I dont' feel like I have anything to say to him. I wanted him to feel part of the group, but in doing so, I felt like I was just loud and obnoxious the whole time.. almost spastic-like... lol. I do still like him, I just worry that I could never be that Christian girl of his dreams when I am very different from him. However, However, he does have a lot of music on his iPod- including Lonestar's Back Porch Lookin In song....

Today's Sorrows and joys

Thursday, August 12, 2004

The seminar was incredible... what a wonderful way to learn more about esthetics.. Plus: I LOVE Boston! I don't mind the traffic at all.. I love the hustle and bustle and action and movement of Boston- I love the buildings and planted gardens- there's something new to see everytime you look up! (Dermological Institute has a branch in Adelaide, South Australia!! Oh my goodness! I have no idea how I would pay to get over there, but if I had the opportunity to go... I would run!!!!-- after I graduate in December, that is!)
Today was exausting... I ran a bit... did laudry.. skipped class because I just could NOT handle one more thing today: work was long enough! I tried to read the book, Romancing the Heart, a great Christian book that is for the women, as Sacred Heart is for men. I threw it down-- it was worded in such a way that it did not give me hope- it just brought me down. Chapter three was like reading bits and pieces from my own life, but the outcome was drab, disheartening, and just plain sad! There is no way that I can continue it.. it really is worded strangely and not something that I can get into... at all. I'm actually kinda angry that I even picked it up today!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Well, the guys in my life are slowly but surely dying down... I won't call people back so I am finding that I am feeling more at peace. (I heard from Mom and Dad that Adam was talking with Eric and Kathy on Sunday... He was supposedly looking around for me at church during the coffee hour and then just ended up talking with Kathy....) Thank you God for giving me the strength to be stronger than my old feelings of need... I pray that it continues! I don't want to depend on having guys around to make me feel better-- just one guy that I can put all my attention to-- I loved hanging out with Mark and Matt, so they will be in my life, but the rest are just guys who can't stay in my life if Adam is a priority (or whoever) to me. Plain and Simple :)
Going to Boston today for Dermologica Seminar... can't wait to learn more!!!!! :)

Sunday, August 8, 2004
Starting New
Well, I've deleted all of the memory in my phone for incoming, missed, and outgoing calls. I've deleted all of the random guy's number that have accumulated over the past year or so. I don't want them- I choose the future. I hung out with Matt and Tammy last night, and I felt lighter because it was good fun and I wasn't pressured to drink, and even though I got home later that I would've like to have, I was sober and really had fun hanging out with Matt again-- he's moving today fully to Haverhill to begin teaching on Monday... He seemed nervous but ready to begin! Tammy, on the other hand, in able to be herself, showed me that she needs so much care after her divorce- she was married to a professor, for goodness sake, and now seems to be wandering: lost of what she feels was her childhood- and she's panicking. The guys she picks to like is beyond me-- she deserves much more.
Today is Sunday.... It is so beautiful outside... she sun is shining and it is a new day!
(Side note for skin experiment-- in doing the Alkylizing diet- my skin has been looking great-- the 2 liters of water helps... no bread, pasta, legumes, or beef: Amnesteem started yesterday evening... no difference yet; remember watermelon and chicken.)

Saturday, August 7, 2004
So, tonight is another event for the ministry.. we were going to do Chunky's, but there are a lot of people away or just not able to make it. Eric and Kathy happened to have the keys to the church because they're opening for the Episcopal service at 4:00pm and so we can all show up there and watch movies. Last night Josh was at movie night and he said he'll drop by if he has time- it would be nice to get new people to go.... Adam had a couple of people (his new roomate and Lori) in mind that wanted to be a part of it. Hopefully we'll have a good turn out! (I hope the Bondi's are able to come with the new baby- I haven't seen her yet!

Sunday, August 1, 2004
God's been alive and working in my life.. for a long time now, but it seems as though He's doing some pretty incredible things that are very visible. At School, Toby (the owner) has set up the program so that we can have outside education.. God has allowed me to work and stay at the Wingate for this amount of time and has allowed me to get to know the staff and the preceedings of a real Spa and Salon... this experience is EXACTLY what I need right now. School is fascinating and I love it- I love doing outside reading and work as well to add to my understanding so that I can be all that I can be. Tracy (the owner of the Wingate) spoke to me the other day and invited me to attend any and all Esthetic's trainging and product knowledge seminars/meetings/etc!! Thank you God for allowing me to be where I need to be. Thank you God for allowing me to love what is in the plan at the moment for the future... Thank you, God for allowing me to succeed within my failure-- I don't deserve to be having fun and I don't deserve to be loved like you love me!!! You have been blessing my life since day one.. and I thank you for that! I pray that you allow me to be your hands and your voice... my failures will in time (I believe) be a good thing for your kingdom, and I pray that you will use all that is good and all that is bad for YOUR work in this world. I pray that you can salvage what it is that I am and the foolish (pearls to pigs) things that I have done and allow everything to be for you- and work together for YOUR purpose. Thank you for the new perspectives, the wonderful family that you have allowed me to have-- your gifts are so much more than I deserve, and I thank you for them.. thank you for holding me through all of my life--- I see it now, and I thank you a thousand times. Thank you for knowing what I can do and allowing me (though I have hurt you over and over) to do something wonderful and uplifting. I do not deserve anything that you have given to me, but I thank you for it and ask for your blessing on all that I do from here forward- I want to make a difference in your world. Only YOU can give me the drive to carry on from here on out- all my successes are yours and yours alone. Thank you.
School is going so terrifically as I have mentioned.... I can barely contain myself-- I sat in on a new facial 'practice' at work and knew that it is what I want to do for my life's work... I did a little bit of the facial on Jen, and she exclaimed, " Wow! You're awesome and you just started school!" .. in front of all the estheticians... such a compliment! I LOVE the idea of taking care of people and having my own room to do all kinds of fun facials and help people with their makeup and allow them to feel confident and relaxed... such a dream. It's so cool how God has wired me to do something and be so excited about it.. I think I was thinking that He wired me to just to do some boring task that I would be good at.. I didn't think I would love it (and the schooling for it!) so much!!!!
At work- I'm putting in the extra effort that is required for the job.. Amy talked to me a couple of times about not being as interactive with the clients as I could be... I was not very open to her suggestions and took it very negitively... now that I'm trying to be better (and the excitement of the future) has allowed me to really like my job and give that extra something that makes people feel comfortable.. I think I got really lazy over the past year or two since working at Dr. Wilton's.

The background on Mr. Perfect...
Okay, so here's the scoop on my fear of Mr. Perfect...
I've done some pretty stupid things and made really bad decisions on who I hung out with and some of the place I've gone. I'm not saying that I'm cured of all that I do wrong-- I know with my upcoming job and future goals, I will be more focused on what I really want, but I have gone some really crazy places and said and done some really crazy things.... I know I can't go back and fix it. Adam is so not into all the craziness- I've played a lot of games with guys in the past and hurt a lot of people. I've betrayed and lied about things before, and I cannot go back and undo those things. It is in my blood, it seems, to hurt and destroy guys who I suspect have given lines and stories to other girls and hurt them... why am I looking for such revenge? I have done some great things, too- but in this scenario, I am very different than Adam.
Why would someone so devoted to his God, family, and pure living want to be tainted with someone like me? I have been so afraid of Christian guys, and yet that's exactly the type I want to marry some day. I fear that they will leave me in the dust no matter how charming, witty and great I can be....
At any rate, I know that what I am looking for is all that Adam is... and for me to even be able to compete with the girls who adore him, I will need to completely shape up and stop the nonsense: delete all the silly phone numbers in my phone that have accumulated in the last year; I need to stop with the partying until 3:00am; I need to stop with my games with guys who I have no intention of being with. Is that possible? NOT on my own, I realize, but I had the opportunity to speak to someone of integrity and beauty today.. and that's plenty of inspiration for me... I pray that I can be a better person and clear the emotional fog that has been plagueing my mind for sometime now.... and put my focus on being who I was made to be- not who I have become.

Mr. Right or just Mr. Perfect?
Last night was a blue moon.. literally. (Second full moon in a month.) Very meloncholy night for me... I went through all of my memorablilia from Adam Foster and cried a bit. Okay.. a lot. I listened to all of our songs that I put on a CD for him for his birthday... yeah- last November.... I haven't spoken with him.. he just disappeared from the face of the planet (away from Arizona.. I'm assuming he left to work with his older brother in Colorado) and didn't leave a forwarding address or number. I need to just forget about him and move on. I thought that I was before, but it seems like he, or the feelings of true feelings/emotions, keep creeping into my head.
THIS Morning at church was incredible. Here's the background-- there's this guy at church, Adam, who sings with the worship team... I've liked him for a very long time, but felt that he would never like me-- I'm way too crazy and unruly for someone of his style and grace... I feel very messy around him. At any rate-- whenever I see him, my face gets very red and I can't think of ANYTHING that I want to say.. all my games and 'charming' ways disipate as I am fully unable to speak. The last time, (THANK GOODNESS) Kathy was there and talked with him about the series Smallville. I just stood there and blushed. A lot.
So-- this morning.. I was sitting with Kathy and Eric (and Muffin) and I saw him up front singing looking beautiful as always and I look down and around him so he doesn't think I'm staring at him... (lol)... and then after the service, I turn to leave the aisle, and Kathy wispers.."hey... wait a minute.. I just want to see something.. hold on".. I assume that he's near-- and not wanting to see him and embarrass myself again, I quickly jet downstairs to the coffee hall holding the Muffin and avoiding all eye contact with those around... yikes. So then- I look to my left and see Adam next to me-- actually asserting himself to come over to talk to me. I almost died. Well-- I had sent him an email asking him if he would help Erin, Zack and I lead the 20/30 Something's at church.. and he had to decline because he has so much on his plate. His email was so sweet.....
Hey Laura, My summer is going pretty well, how's yours going? It has definitely been a while since I've spoken to you. I spoke to your brother a week ago about this group that you're heading up. I think you guys were headed to Newcastle commons. I think it's really great that you're organizing this, and I'm glad the response has been good. I'm really glad you asked me to help lead, but, unfortunately, I've got alot going on at work this fall and with small group and worship team and a few other things I think I'm gonna be too busy to devote time elsewhere. I would definitely appreciate it if you included me in the mailing list though. I hope we can at least chat again sometime soon, and I hope this email finds you well. Have a great weekend. -Adam
So he came over to talk to me... I was actually able to hold my own and talk with him.. the whole time I was dying inside.. and glowing!!! He appologized for not responding to my email before, but that he was slow in returing emails... I'm so glad he didn't see the email address.. Hhoneybee54" and delete it thinking it was spam or something.. that would be tragic!!
I've been GLOWING all day..